?

Log in

Dark Thoughts [entries|archive|friends|userinfo]
Amanda

[ userinfo | livejournal userinfo ]
[ archive | journal archive ]

The loss of friends you didn't have (or something I dunno. I don't like it ) [Aug. 30th, 2004|04:29 pm]
Amanda
[mood |contentcontent]
[music |Coheed and Cambria~A Favor House Atlantic]

So.. School. Bah!! EWWWW. Not cool but at the same time It'll be nice to see people and its not like its a totaly waste of time. I mean you get to learn right? Pfft.. who cares about that.

Ok lets just face it. Half the reason we go to school is because of the opposite sex am I right? I mean I've totally HAD IT with guys but you know what? I can't help myself. My hormones are raging and I can't stop them! Ok, scratch that last comment it kinda creeped me out after I re-read it. But really. The guys in high school are ooo.. ahhh.. mmm.. yummy. Yeah I like them alot. I went to a football game last Saturday (which they LOST in the last 3 seconds!!! C'mon guys whats up with that???) and ooooo mama. It was nice. And the olympics!! WOW!! Michael Phelps... mmmmm. His ass crack is hott and I don't care what you think of me for sayin it! And then this diver. ::tsss::. (Whats his name? Alex Despatie? Who cares!!) Yeah, hes a nice piece of Canadian eye candy alright. Alright thats enough about that.. for awhile anyways.

So today wasn't an actual day of school with classes and stuff but it was an orientation. Every student is assigned to an older one (that has volounteered (sp? DAMMIT I cant spell!) and they help us if we have any questions about classes or HS in general. Kinda stupid but comforting to know that theres someone there thats actually WILLING to help you. Theres about three or four to each older person. I have a girl and she is paired up with this other dude and he has three or four people too. Ok.. back to my hormones again. Oooo lord! I won't say anything else about the subject because I'm paranoid and convinced that someone will read this and tell him but. WOW. Nice.

Right well thats enough for now with my stupid ramblings on guys and blah.. whatever. <3 Love <3
link7 comments|post comment

I'm giving into you... [Aug. 24th, 2004|11:57 am]
Amanda
[mood |thoughtfulthoughtful]
[music |Adema~Giving in]

I think I've realized why this whole volleyball thing upset me so much. Its because I'm always being rejected by people. Its not so much the fact that I won't be playing (though it plays a big part) I think its more that I have been denied once again because of who I am and how I act. It fuckin sux.

~<3 X & O <3~
link8 comments|post comment

Give me something to break... [Aug. 22nd, 2004|12:54 am]
Amanda
[mood |worriedupset]
[music |Some weird spanish music video on tv]

I'm sorry. I can tell you for a fact that this is going to be long. Skim through it its fine I just had to get it all out because I think I'll feel better if I do. This is me trying to sort out my emotions again :/

So, its been a day since I got cut and I've had some time to look back on it and think long and hard about what I did wrong and here's what I have come up with :

*I'm too quiet
*I'm not over-confident
*I don't think I'm the best
*I don't have someone that knows the coaches
*I'm not a suck up

Here is why I think these things. I'm the one working my fucking ass off trying to do the best that I can to get better. I do not do anything to bring attention to myself therefor I don't get noticed. I'm just over-looked as in most situations. I don't think that I am this big shot egotistical bitch that deserves to get all the attention. I have very little confidence in myself and its because of fucked up situations like this. I am not the best and I know that. There are a lot of things that I can do to improve my game and I am MORE than willing to do all it takes. Unfortunately (depending on how you look at it I guess) I do not have connections. I have no older siblings that would have went through the school before me, no relative in the school system, and my parents do not partake in barely anything having to do with my school. And lastly I do not, and will not suck up to the coaches. Which is apparantly what they want. It might has well have said in the info, "Flatter my fat ass and be automatically put on the team." Fuck that.
I have not had very good luck dealing with the coaches and maybe that has something to do with my absolute intolerance for school people that think they can rule our lives. I have dedicated myself to this sport for the past 4 years. I love to play. Thats all I want. I don't know how it works for everyone else but here when I was in middle school we were placed on two different teams, the A team, and the B team. The A team essentially being the "better" team and B being the "worse" team. All through middle school I was placed on the B team and never did I have an issue with that because I was playing and thats what mattered to me. Until last year. The coaches explained to us that it was a hard decision for them that year and they had a few people that they couldn't decide where to put them yet. So, they eventually separated us into two different groups, A and B, and of course as always I was on the B team.. no problem with that what-so-ever until they took me aside and two other girls and told us that we were the ones "on the bubble" so they put us on the B team. Ok.. Alright.. I could live with that. The next day I come to practice and the two other girls are switched to the A team. I'm thinking, WTF?? It turns out that this girl's mom decided to be a whiney ass bitch and complain to the coaches because she thought that her daughter (that really isn't worth shit I'm sorry) deserves to be on the A team and so does her friend. So I was left on the B team a little confused, pissed, upset, and really feeling like a failure. All the past years I haddn't been able to make it on the A team. I must suck I thought. Well, I was still happy with being able to play. My parents were not happy at all with the decision to move the girls to the A team and neither was I. All my friends were on the A team and all of them knew that I should have been on it with them. Oh well. I got to play.
So I did camps and shit to get better. And I did. After everything that happened last year with the A and B team I was really unsure of myself. Everyone told me pfft.. you'll make it.. everyone makes freshman. Well apparantly not. I practiced all last week, dedicated the better part of my afternoon to them for 3 hours, missed alot of things, cryed from the stiffness that I felt when walking down the stairs, and wasted all that time so I could be one of the 5 people that they cut from the team. There were 23 girls trying out for freshman. They're excuse for cutting people, if you can believe this load of bullshit, is that they didn't have enought uniforms. Huh? Give me a fuckin price and I'll pay for the fuckin uniform if its that big of a deal!! Damn! I swear they think we've got our head up our asses and don't know bullshit when we hear it. "Oh, we'd hate to have all those extra people come and then not have enought uniforms for everyone to suit up in." Uh huh. Right. So after I saw the list of people that made it, seeing everyone that didn't deserve to be on the team, I asked them for an explanation as to why I haddn't made it. "You're a really strong girl. You're an awesome server, spiker, and setter. But we really feel that you need to be more agressive when the ball is coming for you. When there is a bad set you need to go for the ball anyways. But thanks for trying out." I thought it through and whatever. Its lies. Agressive my ass. I wouldn't have made it even if I was agressive and did have more confidence in myself. The reason I lack confidence is because of people like them. To top it all off my friend that had done the pracices with me and had been there for me supporting me through them completely abandoned me. She made it. I didn't. Same as last year. This was the conversation we had after I looked at the sheet with everone that had made it:
My friend: Did you make it?
Me, crying: No.
My friend: Oh.. I'm sorry.
And she left me there. Don't get me wrong. I don't expect everyone to feel bad for me and hug me and say that I should have made it. No. I don't want that. But I expected more out of my friend. But now she must feel shes too good for me. She made it. Her world is still perfect even when mine has been crashing down on me, is still crashing down on me, and will still continue to come crashing down on me. ::sigh:: Why does all this shit have to happen to me?????
I know that I might seem like I'm over reacting to this. I mean, yeah its not the end of the world. So I didn't make it on the fuckin volleyball team whats the deal? Its just another thing to add to my list of failures. Another reason for people to exclude me in things. Another reason for people to look down on me. And believe me it does happen. Its happened like that since 6th grade. Volleyball has been a way for me to let stress out. Smack things around when I'm pissed after school after dealing with idiots. Its helped take alot of stress away from my life, and I've dedicated myself to it. I've had dreams of making varsity, getting scholarships, and maybe eventually even becoming good enough to go to the olympics (and boy does that sound cheesy). I've never played any other sport. Never wanted to. Everyone knows me for playing volleyball. I feel like a failure. I was so ashamed when I told my parents that I haddn't made it. Now that its going to be absent from my life and I won't get to play with my classmates I don't know what I'm going to do. The only good thing that has come from is now I won't have to lie about going to go see Linkin Park and KoRn. Well, I guess thats not all. I won't let this break me. I'm going to make them so fuckin sorry that they cut me. GRRR!! :: makes angry determined face:: :P

Well, now that I look back at all of that I feel like a complete loser and that I'm blowing things out of proportion but boy do I feel alot better to have it all out. At least I delt with being pissed this way and not any other way.. And many appologies. I didn't intend for it to be that long :[

Hugs N Kisses to yall and thanks for listening to my pathetic problems :/ <3
link16 comments|post comment

(no subject) [Aug. 21st, 2004|12:17 pm]
Amanda
[mood |angrypissed]

I didn't make the team. There were 23 freshman and they cut 5. 5! I was one of those five. I cant tell you why.. I don't know. All they said is I need to be more agressive. I've got an awesome serve, spike, and set. Obviously not good enough. I don't want to talk about it. I'll explain when I figure out why having connections is better than having talent.
link6 comments|post comment

Let me rest in pieces... [Aug. 19th, 2004|11:01 am]
Amanda
[mood |soreI HURT!]
[music |Saliva~Rest In Pieces]

Ok everyone... bear with me. This may be long. I hope yall don't get too bored.. or confused when reading this. Both very possible when reading things that have come out of my mind. So here goes.
I started volleyball practice on Monday and boy do I hurt like a mother-fuckin-son-of-a-bitch. I cannot recall any other time that I have hurt this much. My legs feel like they're gonna just fall off and at times I think it would be easier if they did. Our warm up is running 3/4 of a mile. THREE FUCKIN LAPS AROUND THE TRACK!! I know I am sounding extremely lazy right now but the sad truth is I am :/ My legs are getting stronger and more muscular though which is a good thing. I'm sure many will rejoice including myself. So it says in the info packet that we're all supposed to have white shoes for team "unity" or some bucket 'o' shit like that. We go out on Monday before practice to get shoes, WHITE SHOES. I get to practice and a greater part of everyone is wearing colors other than white. THEN.. don't worry this is actually leading somewhere... the fuckin shoes turn out to be too small. I come home from practice that night to find that my poor big toes have bruises underneath the toenail. The left one being worse than the other one is black and... ahh I don't wanna get into details. Its gross. So, me being the dumb fuck that I am I wore them the last two days also until yesterday when I said, "All right! To hell with the shoes that want to rip my toenails off." and that is is. I'm not wearin them anymore. I came home last night from practiced and both toes are bruised very badly and my left toe is throbbing. They make their first cuts today. Yipes!! I'm sooo afraid that I'll be cut even though I know DAMN well I'm good enough but I'm not a stupid suck up bitch so I don't get recognized as much.. Not saying that everyone that DOES get recognized is. I just had a few people in mind when I said that. The damn football players had to come watch us practice. Suprisingly, we got better then... hmm.. I wonder why? Its not because they were hott and muscular or.. NO!! Bad Manda!! Snap outta it!.. Anyway.. Dad and I had this big discussian last night about how I WILL try out for varsity next year and there is no doubt in his mind that I would make the team. I don't want to be on varsity yet! I'm not ready. He says that there are very few people that are better servers than I am and that I have the full package. The full package being, I am tall, I can commit, I can set, serve, and spike. He says that others are good at some of those things but nobody at all of them like I am. He also says that if I decide that I want to take this volleyball thing somewhere that I most definately could and I could even be in the olympics. He thinks that I haven't got enough confidence in myself yet and when I do get enough confidence that I will be menace at the net. I take it to be the normal Dad prep talk but who knows. I know that I definately need more confidence in myself.
So, that wasn't as long as I thought it would be. I hope it made sense :P

~<3 X & O <3~
link4 comments|post comment

Friends Only [Aug. 14th, 2004|02:38 pm]
Amanda
I guess I should say something that I didn't before. My journal is mostly friends only so if you would like to read my more personal entries then just ask and I would be happy to add you :)
link6 comments|post comment

(no subject) [Aug. 14th, 2004|02:23 pm]
Amanda
[mood |highhigh on pine sol]
[music |Linkin Park~Krwlng]

So, I felt the need to write. I find that it helps me feel better when I feel like shit. Even if nobody is listening or even cares it still helps.
Yay for chores. I had to mop the floor today. I have a big kitchen so it took about an hour to do everything along with sweeping. My back hurts but other than that I'm good. I absolutely LOVE the smell of Pine Sol :) So afterwards when I was dumping out the water I sat there and smelled the water. I know that sounds really weird and makes me seem like a total doorknob but I don't care. Maybe I am weird and maybe I am a total doorknob but take me as I am.
I'm not feeling well. My stomach hurts and I think I almost fainted earlier. I've never actually fainted so I don't know how it works. I was kneeling down cleaning up pop that had been spilled and I stood up and my vision blurred and everything kinda when black. I almost fell over so I had to grab onto the counter to hold me up. I sat there for a few seconds and the sensation passed but it was really weird. That was BEFORE I was sniffing the Pine Sol before you get any ideas in your head.
Yesterday was not a good day. Nothing in particular happened that made it a crappy day but I just felt aweful. Not like sick aweful but mentally. I was snapping at everyone. Whatever my brother and sister did would get on my nerves. I feel really bad about it but I couldn't help it. Its like I woke up that morning and said, I'm going to be an ass today. Today I'm kind of the same way. Mom was trying to make conversation with me I could tell and I know I came off as being mad at her but I really wasn't. Damn. Maybe it is my fault that we dont get along. Maybe I'm pushing her away and I don't even know it. I've been told that I do that. I don't know. I don't want to think about it. And I did something that I said I would never do no matter what. I knew I shouldn't but I did anyways.
I've thought it throught and I have decided that the way I have been feeling lately isn't becuase of one big reason overall like a parent dying. Its all the crap in my life. There is an overwhelming amout of things that really suck right now that are going on. I can't handle it. I don't have a hold on my emotions like I wish I did. Things keep sneaking up on me like Mom's boyfriend who doesn't seem to like me or my dad's girlfriend that I've never met because he's been keeping us away from her out of fear of us getting hurt if they break up. I have a feeling its something more than that. The divorce. Mom thinking that I hate her. The fights. My aunt. Issues with friends. Issues with guys. Issues with myself. I dunno. I'm getting confused again.
link5 comments|post comment

I'm on the outside and I'm lookin in... [Aug. 13th, 2004|01:01 pm]
Amanda
[mood |annoyedannoyed]
[music |Staind~Outside]

And you,
You bring me to my knees, again,
All the times
That I could beg you please, in vain,
All the times
That I felt insecure, for you
And I leave
My burdens at the door

But I'm on the outside
I'm looking in
I can see through you
See your true colors
Cause inside you're ugly
You're ugly like me
I can see through you
See to the real you

All the times that I felt like this won't end
Its for you
And I taste what I could never have
It was from you
All the times that I've cried
My intentions, full of pride
But I waste more time than anyone

But I'm on the outside
And I'm looking in
I can see through you
See your true colors
Cause inside you're ugly
You're ugly like me
I can see through you
See to the real you

All the times that I've cried
All this wasted, it's all inside
And I feel, all this pain
I stuffed it down, it's back again
And I lie, here in bed
All alone, I can't mend
But I feel
Tomorrow will be ok

But I'm on the outside
And I'm looking in
I can see through you
See your true colors
Cause inside you're ugly
You're ugly like me
I can see through you
See to the real you
linkpost comment

Fuck you and everything you are [Aug. 13th, 2004|12:39 pm]
Amanda
[mood |aggravatedaggravated]
[music |Zug Island~ dunno the name]

God I'm such a dumb ass.. I didn't go yesterday to the open gym for volleyball because 1. I didn't know when it ended and 2. I was too chicken. So, I'm thinking about going today but I dunno what time its at. 4 something. Dammit. I wish I was this really outgoing person that everyone loved and everyone got along just fine with. But instead I'm insecure and quiet and nobody really knows me, so they judge me on my actions or how I look. I think people look at me and think, she's weird. Or, lets ignore her because she's not popular. I dunno how I'll deal with volleyball this year because over half the people I'm willing to bet are going to be stuck up bitch ass preps. Yay for me! I'll never be able to stand it. Half the people don't even deserve to be on the team. They're just there because parents know the coach or they're so loud and stuck up that the coaches automatically think, well, she should be good. *Sigh*. I'm neither one of those people and therefor I am going to be judged on talent, the way it SHOULD go but if thats what I'll be judged on then you might as well cut me from the team now :/ I hate all the coaches from DeForest. They play favorites. Bad. *Sigh again* I don't stand a chance.
So, insead of giving up right away I am going to try out and hopefully make it. We're not supposed to miss any practices but the Projekt Revolution concert is the 27th and thats a practice day. I'd sooner miss the practice than the concert but we'll see what father has to say about that. I've been looking foreward to the concert all fuckin year. I can't miss it. It'll be totally kick ass. I'll have to make up some lie like I developed cancer overnight and I wasn't able to make it to practice. The I miraculously get better over the weekend. Yup. I think that just might be good enough.
linkpost comment

Lyrics 4 U [Aug. 13th, 2004|12:37 pm]
Amanda
[music |Breaking Benjamin~So Cold]

Crowded streets are cleared away
One by one
Hollow heroes separate
As they run
You're so cold
Keep your hand in mine
Wise men wonder while
Strong men die

Show me how it ends it's alright
Show me how defenseless you really are
Satisfied and empty inside
Well that's all right
Let's give this another try

If you find your family
Don't you cry
In this land of make believe
Dead and dry
You're so cold
but you feel alive
Lay your hand on me
One last time

Show me how it ends it's alright
Show me how defenseless you really are
Satisfied and empty inside
Well that's all right
Let's give this another try

(Its alright)
linkpost comment

navigation
[ viewing | most recent entries ]
[ go | earlier ]