|Give me something to break...
||[Aug. 22nd, 2004|12:54 am]
|||||Some weird spanish music video on tv||]|
I'm sorry. I can tell you for a fact that this is going to be long. Skim through it its fine I just had to get it all out because I think I'll feel better if I do. This is me trying to sort out my emotions again :/
So, its been a day since I got cut and I've had some time to look back on it and think long and hard about what I did wrong and here's what I have come up with :
*I'm too quiet
*I'm not over-confident
*I don't think I'm the best
*I don't have someone that knows the coaches
*I'm not a suck up
Here is why I think these things. I'm the one working my fucking ass off trying to do the best that I can to get better. I do not do anything to bring attention to myself therefor I don't get noticed. I'm just over-looked as in most situations. I don't think that I am this big shot egotistical bitch that deserves to get all the attention. I have very little confidence in myself and its because of fucked up situations like this. I am not the best and I know that. There are a lot of things that I can do to improve my game and I am MORE than willing to do all it takes. Unfortunately (depending on how you look at it I guess) I do not have connections. I have no older siblings that would have went through the school before me, no relative in the school system, and my parents do not partake in barely anything having to do with my school. And lastly I do not, and will not suck up to the coaches. Which is apparantly what they want. It might has well have said in the info, "Flatter my fat ass and be automatically put on the team." Fuck that.
I have not had very good luck dealing with the coaches and maybe that has something to do with my absolute intolerance for school people that think they can rule our lives. I have dedicated myself to this sport for the past 4 years. I love to play. Thats all I want. I don't know how it works for everyone else but here when I was in middle school we were placed on two different teams, the A team, and the B team. The A team essentially being the "better" team and B being the "worse" team. All through middle school I was placed on the B team and never did I have an issue with that because I was playing and thats what mattered to me. Until last year. The coaches explained to us that it was a hard decision for them that year and they had a few people that they couldn't decide where to put them yet. So, they eventually separated us into two different groups, A and B, and of course as always I was on the B team.. no problem with that what-so-ever until they took me aside and two other girls and told us that we were the ones "on the bubble" so they put us on the B team. Ok.. Alright.. I could live with that. The next day I come to practice and the two other girls are switched to the A team. I'm thinking, WTF?? It turns out that this girl's mom decided to be a whiney ass bitch and complain to the coaches because she thought that her daughter (that really isn't worth shit I'm sorry) deserves to be on the A team and so does her friend. So I was left on the B team a little confused, pissed, upset, and really feeling like a failure. All the past years I haddn't been able to make it on the A team. I must suck I thought. Well, I was still happy with being able to play. My parents were not happy at all with the decision to move the girls to the A team and neither was I. All my friends were on the A team and all of them knew that I should have been on it with them. Oh well. I got to play.
So I did camps and shit to get better. And I did. After everything that happened last year with the A and B team I was really unsure of myself. Everyone told me pfft.. you'll make it.. everyone makes freshman. Well apparantly not. I practiced all last week, dedicated the better part of my afternoon to them for 3 hours, missed alot of things, cryed from the stiffness that I felt when walking down the stairs, and wasted all that time so I could be one of the 5 people that they cut from the team. There were 23 girls trying out for freshman. They're excuse for cutting people, if you can believe this load of bullshit, is that they didn't have enought uniforms. Huh? Give me a fuckin price and I'll pay for the fuckin uniform if its that big of a deal!! Damn! I swear they think we've got our head up our asses and don't know bullshit when we hear it. "Oh, we'd hate to have all those extra people come and then not have enought uniforms for everyone to suit up in." Uh huh. Right. So after I saw the list of people that made it, seeing everyone that didn't deserve to be on the team, I asked them for an explanation as to why I haddn't made it. "You're a really strong girl. You're an awesome server, spiker, and setter. But we really feel that you need to be more agressive when the ball is coming for you. When there is a bad set you need to go for the ball anyways. But thanks for trying out." I thought it through and whatever. Its lies. Agressive my ass. I wouldn't have made it even if I was agressive and did have more confidence in myself. The reason I lack confidence is because of people like them. To top it all off my friend that had done the pracices with me and had been there for me supporting me through them completely abandoned me. She made it. I didn't. Same as last year. This was the conversation we had after I looked at the sheet with everone that had made it:
My friend: Did you make it?
Me, crying: No.
My friend: Oh.. I'm sorry.
And she left me there. Don't get me wrong. I don't expect everyone to feel bad for me and hug me and say that I should have made it. No. I don't want that. But I expected more out of my friend. But now she must feel shes too good for me. She made it. Her world is still perfect even when mine has been crashing down on me, is still crashing down on me, and will still continue to come crashing down on me. ::sigh:: Why does all this shit have to happen to me?????
I know that I might seem like I'm over reacting to this. I mean, yeah its not the end of the world. So I didn't make it on the fuckin volleyball team whats the deal? Its just another thing to add to my list of failures. Another reason for people to exclude me in things. Another reason for people to look down on me. And believe me it does happen. Its happened like that since 6th grade. Volleyball has been a way for me to let stress out. Smack things around when I'm pissed after school after dealing with idiots. Its helped take alot of stress away from my life, and I've dedicated myself to it. I've had dreams of making varsity, getting scholarships, and maybe eventually even becoming good enough to go to the olympics (and boy does that sound cheesy). I've never played any other sport. Never wanted to. Everyone knows me for playing volleyball. I feel like a failure. I was so ashamed when I told my parents that I haddn't made it. Now that its going to be absent from my life and I won't get to play with my classmates I don't know what I'm going to do. The only good thing that has come from is now I won't have to lie about going to go see Linkin Park and KoRn. Well, I guess thats not all. I won't let this break me. I'm going to make them so fuckin sorry that they cut me. GRRR!! :: makes angry determined face:: :P
Well, now that I look back at all of that I feel like a complete loser and that I'm blowing things out of proportion but boy do I feel alot better to have it all out. At least I delt with being pissed this way and not any other way.. And many appologies. I didn't intend for it to be that long :[
Hugs N Kisses to yall and thanks for listening to my pathetic problems :/ <3